


You Don't Want Me Here But I'm Here And This Is What I Do

by Deanpala



Category: Sanders Sides, Thomas Sanders
Genre: Anxiety | Virgil Sanders - Freeform, Autism, Autistic Virgil, Gen, Honestly Mostly Virgil, Overstimulation, Selective Muteism, Stimming, Virgils autistic, thats it, thats the story
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-19
Updated: 2018-04-16
Packaged: 2019-03-06 17:40:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 3,685
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13416297
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Deanpala/pseuds/Deanpala
Summary: Virgil Anxiety Sanders has Autism. That's it, that's the story.





	1. Chapter 1

The first time Virgil noticed something was wrong with him, they were all two and watching Disney movies. All of them, even Logic were simply enjoying the movie without thinking to deeply about it.

Except him.

What if our friends leave us like Cooper? Is it inevitable that that’s just how life works? Will they go after me or me after them? What if I hurt them?

What if we end up homeless like Oliver? Something could easily happen to mom or dad. what if nothing happens to them but the bills get to be to much and they can’t pay for it? What if we get lost from them when we wander away?

Why would Ariel give up her voice to be on land for some guy she just met? How are the books and paintings good underwater? What did Ursula mean by “body langue”? What does she eat if she can talk to animals she can’t eat them right? Why wouldn’t they just go right back to the kiss after the boat got knocked over they need to finish what they were doing.

When he brought these issues up to the others they told him to stop worrying so much and not over think it (well Logic didn’t say that part but still) but it wasn’t just that he was anxious it was that he noticed things no one else did.

He ignored it though. It was just the first time of many he would feel like the odd man out.


	2. Chapter 2

Virgil hated this.

They were at their first day of kindergarten and everyone was so loud and moved to fast and it made him feel dizzy and just no. They needed to stay with mom she was always there why do things have to change he hates change things need to stay the same.

But they didn’t. And it physically hurt him so he cried and screamed and clung to mom because they need her she keeps things safe and normal and tells him how to act.

The other sides yelled at him for throwing a tantrum which he didn’t even know he did but it made it hurt worse so when he calmed down enough he went to his room and decided when stuff became to much he just avoid the others.

They didn’t get it, it really wasn’t a tantrum it just happened without him wanting it to and it hurt.

From that point on Creativity and Morality were always the ones to throw tantrums.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok so this chapter is just kind of an inter monologue type thing based on real life experience

_make sure you look them in the eye but don’t stare don’t blink to much what is the perfect amount of time between blinks you don’t want them to think you’re a creep are you talking to much do they even care about this subject are they checking the time for when you’ll shut up or if when the party is over Logic would notice if he they were uncomfortable right? Oh gosh is my body langue wrong do they think I hate them why aren’t they saying anything why are they not looking at me wait, no they are why are they staring did I do something wrong should I shut up its the middle of the sentence though. Wait for a response ask them if they have something they want to say. Wait I’m not sure I caught that what was….. now I’ve got it to late to late their already repeating them self I took to long to respond and now I’m telling them I got it before they even got half way through the sentence god I’m a failure this is so exhausting why did we come out I just want to be home alone._


	4. Chapter 4

Everyone knew that Virgil stayed up after them. They all figure it was due to his anxiety he had such late nights which, while correct, wasn’t the only thing that kept him up night after night.

So tonight, like every night, he waited for everyone else to go to bed before he got busy.

It took him about thirty minutes to walk around the house, checking and rechecking the lights were off, the cabinets closed, and the doors locked.

Princey was still awake and insisted on sleeping with his door cracked every night so Virgil sat on the counter and read while he waited for him to fall asleep so he could close it.He honestly had no idea why he did this, it was like an itch in his head that would just grow worse and worse until he checked everything.So with a sigh he tried to ignore the increasing pounding in his head as he waited for the time to shut off the last door and light.


	5. Chapter 5

“Anxiety could you come help me with this?”

Virgil continued listening to his music without looking up.

“Anxiety.”

He startled when he felt Logics hand land on his shoulder and jumped a bit.

“What?”

“I asked if you could help me with this.”

Wait he was talking to him?

“You were addressing me?”

The formally dressed side rolled his eyes “Yes you are the only anxiety I know.”

Virgil blinked a few times processing this. Huh. Yeah he guessed he was Anxiety.The other sides all had their roll and sides were supposed to serve a function and he was a side.

Weird how it just never really pieced together in his mind.

“Anxiety? Hello can you hear me?” Logic actually sounded concerned and Virgil jumped again

“Yeah sorry I spaced out.” wasn’t a lie “what did you need?”


	6. Chapter 6

When Virgil was anxious, he would fidget. A lot. He’d move his hands back and forth against each other and his fingers would play with each other and his leg would jiggle.

Which made sense and all the other sides got it but… not really.

When Virgil was bored his leg would jiggle as well. He’d rock from side to side or back and forth without noticing.

Patton always asked him what was wrong.

When Virgil was overly stressed he’d have random impulse to bang his head on something and small sounds would escape his throat against his will and he’d scratch at his skin and pull his hair.

Logic told him to stop being silly there is no need to be anxious when we’re studying so hard we’ll ace it.

When Virgil was happy or exited he’d flap his hands and jump up and down practically vibrating and if he couldn’t jump he’d go back to rocking.

Creativity laughed saying of course he’d be able to find bad in a good situation and ruffle his hair fondly promising to fight all the evils in the world.

When Virgil was anxious, he would fidget.

But not only when he was anxious.


	7. Chapter 7

Virgil was curled up on his bed sobbing. Why was he like this why?

 

All he wanted to do was complement Princey on his wardrobe update and he ruined everything.

 

He meant to say something along the lines of “it looks good what all did you do?”

 

What came out was “Wow you look handsome _what happened_ ”

 

Roman blew up at him for obvious reason and the most he could manage to do was run to his room before having a mental break down.

 

No wonder Roman hated him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> based of real life events haha kill me


	8. Chapter 8

“Hey kiddo you wanna hang out today, maybe watch a movie, talk for a bit?”

Yesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyeyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyes

Virgil tried to answer Pattons hopeful face but his throat felt full of concrete and his mouth would barely open a centimeter.

Patton was still looking him but this time with a look of concern as it had been far to many seconds for it to be a comfortable silence and Virgil tried with all his might to clear his throat, put air out of it, anything but nothing came out so he simply shook his head sadly in a no.

He could never allow them to find out. Patton would worry and the others would think he was a freak.


	9. Chapter 9

It was not a good day for this whywhywhy WHY of all the days they had to include him it was when his senses were all on edge?

He closes his eyes tight and lets out a low ”What do you want from me?”

“We simply need to ask you the risk of the latest video and whether or not it would be insensitive to anyone.”

“The flash might trigger someone with epilepsy can I go now?”

They started fighting about if the flash was really too much and ignored the latter half of the statement and Virgil wanted to die.

The light gleaming off of Logans glasses was blinding him, Pattons shirt made him feel dizzy to look at and Romans sash might as well been neon and everything was to bright to much to much

They weren’t just bright but  _loud._ The clock on the wall was ticking and the next door neighbor was playing music and they were all breathing and shuffling their feet and he could _feel_  their talking vibrate his chest it was so uncomfortable and to much to much to much tomuchtomuchtomuch _tomuchtomuch **tomuchtomuchtomuchtomuch.**_

The pain that was in every piece of marrow in him was to big for his body and a shriek left his mouth without his consent and fell to the floor writhing and banging his head on the wall until finally,  _finally_  he found the ability to chill a bit and shut his eyes as tight as humanly possible while hurting his ears from how hard he was pressing against them rocking back and forth as intelligible sounds left his lips.


	10. Chapter 10

When the shriek was heard all the other sides stopped what they were doing and watched concerned as anxiety beat his head against the wall for what tfelt like hours but was really only seconds and let out concerned sounds as they rushed over to the now rocking boy.

“Anxiety kiddo what wrong what going on talk to us.” Patton said as he layed a hand on Anxietys shoulder which caused him to violently flinch away and clench his eyes even tighter. Patton removed his hand.

Roman was babbling and Logan was looking increasingly concerned about what was happening. Why on earth would he do that to himself, why was he rocking so aggressively now, what the heck was going on?

“Logan? Wh-whats wrong with Anxiety?” Roman asked voice hitching.

“I don’t know there is definitely something wrong though. Give me a second I need to think to… puzzle this out.”

He laid a hand on him and watched him flinch. He tried talking and making him look at him but nothing seemed to work to pull Anxiety out of it.

But wait- he was rocking less intensely now.

“Ok, I still don’t know what’s going on but I think I figured out what’s causing him so much distress. We need to not talk or touch him for a bit, just give him his space.”

“But you’re talking and hes making those weird sounds how do you know that-”

“Shhh yes I know and I am stopping now please be quiet Princey.”

They sat in silence for a good while still curious about what was going on, but more worried about getting Anxiety into a better mind state.

After about ten minutes the rocking was minimal and the sounds leaving Anxiety’s mouth had stopped entirely and his eyes slowly opened as he moved his hands from his ears.

He gave a quick worried look at all of them before suddenly jumping up and dashing to his room.


	11. Chapter 11

They went to knock on Virgils door but he wouldn't talk to them for reasons they could not piece together.

  
"Anxiety please open the door we just want to understand whats going on."

  
There was no response from the other side of the door so Logan sighed and gestured for the other sides to follow him.

  
"It looks like we need to figure this out our selves."

  
He went into google and looked up "banging head rocking back and forth and screaming" but most the results were for children trying to get themselves to sleep. One in particular caught his eye though

"Repetitive behavior. Repetitive behavior is a common sign of autism in toddlers. This can be shown in things like: Hand flapping, snapping fingers, spinning in circles or head banging; Lining up toys over and over again or spinning objects; Flicking light switches on and off; Rocking back and forth; Repeats same words over ..."

That... Sounded familiar enough to look into. A quick search on autism and autism spectrum disorders lead him to the conclusion that Virgil just might have another disorder besides anxiety.

"Wait Virgil? Wouldn't it seem more likely for you or the delightful dad to fit that bill?"

"According to Hollywood stereotypes it would but as we all know the movie industry is not completely factual or caring about accuracy, though I can see where both ideas come from with the difficulties grasping things that may seem obvious to neurotypical individuals making them seem naive and some famous historical individuals being suspected to be on the spectrum such as Thomas Jefferson, Einstein, an Tesla though there was of course no way to test them at the time because-"

A hand was planted on his shoulder interrupting his tangent.

"Logan. This is all very interesting information and I love how passionate you are on the subject, but we need to help Anxiety right now. Do you know how we can help him buddy?"

"Yes sorry I got distracted explaining Hollywoods toxic stereotyping to Princey. It seems that no to people are exactly the same with what they need, and I'm not even sure Virgil knows about his.... Affliction, so the best course of action would be simply talking with him and asking what he needs specifically. We should tread lightly though, we don't want him becoming stressed as the inability to cope with change is a symptom of both anxiety and Autism"

They gently knocked on the door and slid a note under gently asking Anxiety to come talk to them when he was ready and left it in his hands.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I took so long when I learned about my autism I my reaction was basically “if I do have it then nothing changes because I already had it I just know now” but well. This isn’t Virgil being diagnosed and he is obviously more anxious than me. So yeah. I was putting this off. Also side note, is it offensive to call autism a mental disorder? What should it be called if not? Because like a lot of perks come with it but it also has many negative affects? Give me your thoughts on the subject

Virgil slowly came down the stairs of the commons, terrified beyond belief over what the others would say, but he knew he couldn’t avoid it forever and the suspense was going to kill him if he didn’t get it over with.

As he sat down the other three looked at each other in silent agreement and Logan  started talking, as he was the most knowledgeable on mental disorders.

“So, about earlier-”

“It won’t happen again, I know it’s weird I’m sorry I’m such a burden and-“

Logan held up a hand to silence anxiety.

“Falsehood. You are not a burden. Well, not any more than the rest of us anyhow.”

“Logan, go easy on the kiddo.”

“Right sorry. Anyway as I was saying how long-“

“How often have you been silently suffering such miserable torment!?!”

Logan glared at Roman, but cleared his throat and continued on.

“While I would have put it…. Differently, we do indeed want to know how long you have been having such severe reactions to external stimuli.”

They were all staring at a now rocking Anxiety which definitely was not helping him feel any sort of good.

“I don’t know. Forever I guess?”

“HOW COULD YOU NOT TELL US! WE COULD HAVE SAVED YOU!”

“Or at least offered some support.”

Logan noticed Anxietys flinch at the loudness and how his leg was viciously jiggling.

“While we would have been able to help sooner, we do not need to make Anxiety feel bad about something he cannot change. What matters is that we are here to help now. Speaking of which, I should get straight to the point. We believe, after close observation of the facts and symptoms, that you are most likely autistic.”

Virgil froze. “What?”

“Autism: a neurological and developmental disorder that begins early in childhood and lasts throughout a person's life. It affects how a person acts and interacts with others, communicates, and-“

“No, I know what it is, but I- me and”

“Yes. Due to your reactions to external stimuli as well as your outside the box thinking and the way you handle social interactions has lead us to the conclusion that you may have autism.”

“No, no way that’s not possible I act weird because I’m Anxiety-“

“They are different responses-“

“No, you don’t understand, I CAN’T have autism. I have enough mental problems as it is, I’m _Anxiety_ not ‘every mental illness to ever exist,’ I don’t deserve to be any more messed up than I am-“

“Hold up a minute, there is nothing wrong with having autism-“

“Nothing wrong? Yeah, maybe for other people but not _me_ ! I’m no Tessla if you haven’t noticed pocket protector! ”

“As I already explained to Roman, that is simply a Hollywood stereotype and has nothing to do with real life individuals.”

“How was I supposed to know that? What am I a mind reader? I mean I guess that’s what you think with your stupid body langue and expecting me to understand social rules that we never even learned!”

“Lack of ability to understand body langue, tone of voice, and social norms are symptom of autism, if you would just look at the facts-“

“I am broken enough without adding in some other issue! Besides Thomas isn’t even autistic so how could I be huh? Can you explain that?”

“No, but neither can I explain Romans ability to speak Spanish, or Pattons knowledge on cooking. Everything lines up perfectly, think about it, have you ever felt normal compared to anyone else?”

Virgil looked like he wanted to say something but nothing came out and he was clenching his hair like his life depended on it. Roman looked suspicious of him repeating the earlier incident and Patton just looked concerned.

“Anxiety buddy, are you okay? Are you- are you going to have another melt down?”

At the words ‘melt down’ Virgil cringed and decided he couldn’t deal with this as he sunk out of the room.


	13. Chapter 13

Patton appeared in a dark closet next to a curled up Anxiety a few minutes later.

“Hey kiddo, you ok?”

“………….”

“You don’t want to talk?”

Anxiety shook his head

 “That’s fine. I um… I wanted to talk to you about this whole autism thing.

Don’t look at me like that, I mean, I know I can’t see you but don’t worry, it’s good things. For several years you went in and out of the mind space, going between having a physical presence and not, which made it very hard to decipher exactly what side you were. But do you know what Thomas and my reactions were?”

_Disappointment_

“We were so incredibly happy. I mean, we were a bit upset to learn that we would have to continue with this behavior but it… helped, to know there was a reason Thomas had been acting so weird. He felt so alone and afraid and broken, but learning there was a REASON for how he felt and acted, that he wasn’t alone and that there were resources to help him, it meant the world to us. It didn’t really change anything in a negative way to much because, weather we knew your name or not, you were still there and our approval or disapproval couldn’t change that. It made it so we could cope, so we could get through it.  That’s what I wanted for you, but if labels don’t help you don’t have to use them, it’s to help you so it’s your choice. Do you understand?”

Virgil had to think about it for a moment, let the thoughts be processed but he eventually nodded.

“Ok, good. I’m so proud of you. You want to get out of this closest? It’s movie night, we’re watching ‘get out’”

Virgil nodded but raised a quizzical eyebrow and Patton laughed.

“What, you think the rest of us wouldn’t want to watch it? It has a great amount of moral dilemma, great acting, and philosophy and symbolism. It’s perfect for us. Now come on, let’s just relax for a bit. You deserve it.”


	14. Chapter 14

When Virgil wakes up on the couch the next day, he is surprised to see himself surrounded by the other sides who have eager looks on their faces.

"Ummmm..... Guys what's... going on?"

Patton responds first, his voice squeaking with excitement.

"We got some stuff and wanted to surprise you!"

"Patton saying there is a surprise ruins the- you know what, never mind. Who wants to go first?"

"I think you begin since you were the one to solve the mystery!"

"Okay then. Anxiety I hope you don't mind this but we got you gifts in hopes to help you cope. It's not much but I hope it is satisfactory in meeting your needs."

He gently took the necklace and headphones from Logan.

"What- what are these?"

"Noise canceling headphones and an aromatic therapy necklace to help block out over whelming stimulus."

"Ohhh....."

"AND I'M NEXT!!!!!"

Patton practically threw the gifts at him.

"Ok, so thaaaaaaaat's putty to play with and a hammock swing chair! It's very soothing!"

"And I suppose that leaves me."

Roman looked uncharacteristically nervous but gently handed over his gift of a black hoodey anyway.

"It's- weighted and the aglets are made of silicone so you can chew on them. I would also like to offer you coaching on how to act around others if you deem it necessary and desire it."

Virgils eyes started filling with tears but when he opened his mouth to express his gratitude his voice refused to convay emotion and fell flat.

"Thank you I- I don't know what to say this is- I'm sorry I can't" Gosh dang it why was he like this?

They all shared knowing looks but it wasn't filled with the dissapointment he expected.

"Hey, its alright we know sometimes emotions are hard Anx-"

"Virgl. Call me Virgil."

They all smiled and everything was perfect.

"Virgil."


End file.
